Here’s a little secret: the worst movies ever made typically come out in January and February. They are the movies that couldn’t compete with Christmas-time Oscar-bait, that are far from summer blockbusters, and that garner no public interest for probably several reasons. They are the abandoned children that are thrown into the shittiest foster home ever called “January and February” where they are beaten, scoffed at and probably raped. These are the movies that aren’t remembered, because no one cared to begin with. I can practically hear you wikapedia-ing the release dates for Gigli or Battlefield Earth, contenders for the worst movies of all time. These movies didn’t come out in January or February, but that doesn’t mean that they are exceptions, asshole. You know why people so vehemently hated Gigli? Because there are people out there who thought Gigli was going to be fucking awesome. Gigli actually had buzz because people love J.Lo and want to fuck Ben Affleck and thought that the movie would be some sort of tabloid wet dream come true. I actually don’t know anyone who saw Gigli, and I sure as fuck didn’t see it, but we all still know its garbage. No one cares enough about movies that are released in January and February to hate them so much.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop was supposed to be one of those movies. I had seen the trailer for the movie, (I might not have made it through the trailer for the movie) and I thought that people like Kevin James, Segways are fucking hilarious, maybe it will turn a bit of a profit, but naturally I really didn’t give a shit. The movie has made over 130 million dollars. It was at the top spot at the box office two weeks in a row, second highest opening for Martin Luther King weekend, and the movie just has this weird longevity where it’s just staying close to #1 weeks and weeks after it’s release.
What. The. Fuck.
Something is going on in this country that I’m not in touch with, either because of geography or sheer cultural ignorance. I openly admit that I’m kind of isolated to urban centers (and I’m snobbishly fine with that) but I can feel buzz when it’s around. When I’m waiting in a line that is snaking a city block to see the Sex and the City Movie (What??) I can sense buzz. Slumdog Millionaire had buzz. The Dark Knight had massive buzz. And when I sense buzz, I assume it’s like that in the rest of the country. Paul Blart: Mall Cop has fucked with me. I could sense no buzz, but it was somewhere because the movie was raking in the dough. And when all else fails, blame the economy.
Some might say it’s escapism, which is how many would explain why movies did so well during the last Great Depression. We are in fact edging on another depression and movies are doing far better this year than last. People always say “movies are the cheapest form of entertainment!” but there are plenty of ways to entertain yourself for free. Like making a puzzle. The strangest aspect of Paul Blart: Mall Cop’s success is how the title alone is undeniably mocking those jobless people who are apparently spending their money to go see it. How is that escapism? Conversely, this seems like a movie that would illuminate the cold, harsh realities of an unemployed America. Fucking Paul Blart has a job, why don’t we? If I plugged my name and job situation into a Paul Blart name generator it would be “Noah Benezra: .” That’s just sad. And on a very basic level, I’m not going to see Paul Blart because it will just remind me of that pathetic truth.
I know I’m assuming a certain level of subconscious behavior among Americans, but I’m sure people didn’t see this movie simply because it was funny. I think on some level the movie has become somewhat therapeutic for this ailing nation of ours. Here is a man, Paul Blart, who’s job is by no means glamorous or even mildly important, but he makes the best of it. He finds some adventure in his work, and all of the sudden Paul Blart is a blue-collar hero. In this economy, aspiring to be like Paul Blart is far more realistic that aspiring to be like, I dunno, Carrie Bradshaw. Completely unintentionally, I think this mall cop movie has helped people to cope, and to not be too disappointed with their present situation. After all, worst case scenario you’ll be a mall cop, which looks a little less bleak to the millions of people who saw this movie. January 2009 happened to be the perfect time to release this ode to a depressed America.
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